Lying on top of my boyfriend, I couldn’t help but notice how my soft belly sat on top of his much-harder stomach.
My large breasts swung in his face as I leaned forward, taking on a peculiar tube-like shape as gravity did its thing, while the heat of the room made my rolls ‘stick’ to his skin more than usual.
Suddenly, my mind began to drift to dark places.
Unwanted evil thoughts snuck their way into my head as I silently tutted at myself for not having a tighter frame, for not being as slim as I want to be, or have been before.
The crazy thing about these intrusive thoughts is that my lover doesn’t feel this way about the soft curves of my body – on the contrary, he loves them.
He has told me as much many times, and how much he enjoys having me on top.
And yet, despite this knowledge, I can’t help but think that I really need to hit the weights harder.
With it being the start of a new year, when lots of us try and improve ourselves, many of you might recognise this sexual scenario.
Perhaps you’re standing in front of the mirror, poking parts of your body you are unhappy with, while telling yourself off for overindulging during Christmas. Afraid to show your naked body to another person.
We like to think that January is a month of self-care – but take it from me, depriving yourself of sex is never going to help you.
For too many, this month is actually 31 days of punishment where they deny themselves treats – including sex – in order to balance the scales, both figuratively and literally.
Please know that I am not here to judge anyone who wants to better themselves.
I’d be a hypocrite if I did, considering I was in the gym myself on January 1.
So you go right ahead and sign up to that new fitness programme, if that is a goal you are setting for yourself, so long as you do it with a kind mindset towards your current body.
What I take issue with is the idea that the person you are right now is somehow not worthy of the same level of love or affection – including in the bedroom.
As a curvy woman who has dated a lot of men with much slimmer or muscular shapes than my own, I’m no stranger to feeling insecure about my body.
And it’s not always been an easy ride, pardon the pun.
Once, I overheard a hookup’s friends asking if he was really going to sleep with me, because I didn’t fit their standard of hotness.
I came out of the bedroom and firmly told them where they could stick their opinions.
But while I was not afraid to stand up for myself, damage was done. I was just 20 and at the start of my sexual journey, so their comments stuck with me for a long time.
Thankfully, this story (and my sex life) has a happy ending.
In the years that followed, I had sex with people who made it abundantly clear that they enjoyed my body.
One delightful memory includes the time I dated a personal trainer. Every part of his body was toned – so much so that I felt a bit intimidated.
We didn’t live near each other so our first sexual moments happened on video calls.
The lighting in my bedroom was quite harsh so I felt self-conscious about getting naked on camera. But I persevered and placed my phone on a ledge to give my date a full view of my naked frame.
This fit-as-a-fiddle man looked with a beaming smile and told me that I was ‘so f***ing hot’.
Another particularly happy memory took place just last year.
I was naked, lying on my side in bed with my back facing my boyfriend. As I shifted, the sheets rolled down and my stomach snuck out.
Moments later, I could feel my partner’s fingers tracing the side of my body – from my breast to the dip just before my hip.
‘I love this curve,’ he said, before placing his hand on my stomach and pulling me for a cuddle.
I can’t quite describe how beautiful I felt at this moment – and that’s something everyone deserves to experience.
My weight has gone up and down over the years but it has never stopped me from having truly excellent sex – and it shouldn’t stop you, either, no matter how you feel about yourself.
I’ve shagged up against walls and on kitchen counters, had wild threesomes and fooled around on a nudist beach.
Bigger or smaller, my body will react just the same to someone’s touch as it always has. My pleasure has nothing to do with my appearance and nor does yours.
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That being said, if you’re feeling a little uncomfortable in your current shape right now, that’s okay.
You are absolutely allowed to treat this month as a way to reset or be healthier.
But don’t deprive yourself of pleasure if your weight has fluctuated. Your worth – sexual or otherwise – has not changed. In fact, if you are struggling in January, the endorphin boost of a good shag can keep you on track for your other goals.
Remember, sex is for everyone and every body.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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